I just finished reading a powerful testimony of a friend that really helped me understand better what God's sovereignty means and what it means to trust in Him. I hope it encourages you to trust God as it has encouraged me.
There are many of you here today that may have heard James and I share our testimony a few weeks back. For those of you who didn’t… I shared about how God brought about my repentance using a friend of mine who was willing to confront me about sin she saw in my life. You see, I was claiming to be a Christian, but I was actually living a very deceitful and immoral life. God sovereignly used her loving confrontation to help me come to a place where I was willing to admit my sin and turn to Christ for forgiveness.
What I’d like to share with you today, in a little more depth, is how God took me from that place where I first surrendered control of my life to Him ~ to where I am today in my understanding of what it means to rest in God’s sovereign control over my life.
It wasn’t long after I gave my life to Christ that I was married for the first time. I was young~ barely 20 years old, but I had always longed to be married and to have children~ was never really college or career minded~ so this fit right into “my plans”. But my marriage didn’t go exactly the way I had expected it to… You see, just after returning home from my honeymoon I became ill~ at first it was just a low grade fever that wouldn’t go away and left me feeling really weak. Before I knew what was happening, everything had escalated and I was suddenly near death with this rare bacterial infection. I won’t go into all the gory details of that, but as the infection ran its course, it ended up damaging one of the valves in my heart. As a result of the type of medication I needed to be on they told me I needed to be hospitalized for six weeks! Needless to say, this was not exactly the start to marriage that I had anticipated! As you can imagine, I came out of the hospital extremely thin and frail, and was unsure if I was going to be able to function “normally”. My husband, who was even younger than I, was starting to question if this marriage was really such a good idea, and our relationship suffered tremendously! I remember wondering why in the world God was allowing all this to happen to me??
You see, I understood that God was in control of everything, and I knew that He loved me and wanted my best. Throughout my childhood I had been covered in Scripture, in such a way that even before I really surrendered my life to God, His Word had been impacting me in some powerful ways. I got out my old bible this week and was looking at some of the scripture that I’d highlighted during junior high and high school. Verse after verse is marked that focus on Gods great love for me. I had clung to Ps 138:8 for many years… “The Lord will perfect that which concerns me. Thy loving-kindness, O Lord, is everlasting. Do not forsake the work of Thy hands”. And, of course, Romans 8:28 “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purposes.” My understanding of those verses was very immature, but I did grasp that God loved me and was in control of my life. What I fought against was living day by day resting in what He was “sovereignly” allowing to happen to me. Honestly, I don’t think I could have even told you then what “sovereignty” actually meant or how I was to live out my faith under these hard circumstances.
Well, in time God saw fit to get my husband and I out to California where Eric would play soccer for the Masters college. Talk about an amazing gift for the Lord to give me~ in His great wisdom He chose to put me in a place where I could really learn about the deeper truths of His Word, at a time when my heart was really open to receive. I was being exposed to great bible teaching AND really neat people who were following hard after God.
In time… as couples around us were getting pregnant I began to really want a baby. But after several years of trying to get pregnant I realized that once again things were not going as I had planned. I grieved every month that I wasn’t pregnant, and even began to believe that God was punishing me for my immorality in the past. I struggled to accept what I thought was probably my “just due”: this penalty for my sin. What I didn’t realize then was that all this was part of God’s bigger plan for my life… a plan to teach me about His amazing grace and love for me; a plan in which He began to show Himself to me in ways that I wouldn’t have seen if I had had things my way! **This was also about His protection and care. You see, what I didn’t realize then was that if I had gotten pregnant, it’s very possible that my life would have been at risk due to the heart condition. So, God was protecting me and continuing the work He had already started. He was proving to me the truth of Romans 8:28… that He would sovereignly take all the things of my life and work them together for good… AND, because He had predestined me to be His child, He would then work to conform me to the image of His Son ~ using these very circumstances that I wanted to fight against!
One of my favorite verses during that time was from Psalm 37: 23-24
“The steps of a man are established by the Lord and He delights in his way. When he falls, he shall not be hurled headlong, because the Lord is the One who holds his hand!” I see this verse with an image in my head of a little child learning to walk as you hold their hand. They stumble and stagger, but you don't allow them to be "hurled headlong" because you have them by the hand. That's what I picture God doing or me as I stumbled through these difficult times.
As you know, infertility can be long journey, and eventually we pursued adoption. Well, maybe at this point it won’t surprise you that our first adoption did not end the way I had planned for it to?! I didn’t end up with the baby girl that I had assumed God would give me after long months of waiting and planning~ months of developing a relationship with the mother and caring for her during her pregnancy. I, ultimately, had little Hannah for 9 emotionally draining weeks and then had to return her to her birth mother. It was heart-breaking!! I didn’t think I would ever stop hurting. Through that very difficult experience, in which I was NOT without sin, God continued to remind me of His love and His power over all things. He showed me that, like Hannah in the Bible, He wanted me to lay my hearts desire for children into His hands so that He could have His way.
Well, at this time God began to show me that He loves us as a father loves his children… and desires to give us good gifts… So it shouldn't surprise you to find out that just four months after losing Hannah I received the precious gift of my daughter Lauren! She was this adorable little brown eyed baby, and I wouldn’t have traded her for anything in the world! Then, less than two years later, God answered two/three very specific prayer requests: one for a son that would “match” Lauren, and secondly, for an easy adoption. Miraculously, Nathan came to us like magic overnight and was a sweet natured little brown haired baby to match his sister! I was beginning to grasp that God in all His power and sovereignty still knew the deepest desires of my heart, loved me beyond my imaginations, and desired to see me enjoying His good gifts, all while growing in my understanding of who He is.
Now, to be sure, I was learning a lot during this time but I was still such a sinner and so immature, really, in my ability to truly grasp the gospel. There were so many ways I was failing the Lord every day. My marriage was difficult, and I did not always respect and submit to my husband… I put my children and their behavior over heart attitudes. I was prideful, fearful, anxious, critical… you name it. But God’s promises to me in His Word were new and exciting to me! And I still believed Psalm 138:8, that He would continue to perfect that which concerned me. He would continue the work He had started in me those years before. Like Paul, I was learning that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared to the glory that is to be revealed in us… (Rom 8:18) Like Abraham, I was becoming persuaded that all God had promised to me He would be able to perform! (Rom 4:21)
So, you might think, like I did that I could now check off my “spiritual growth chart”: “Learning to Trust in God’s Sovereign goodness”. Don’t you think I was now mature enough to just coast and enjoy life? Well, God doesn’t see fit to allow us to “coast” in our growth towards Christ-likeness…there is always so much for Him to be dealing with in us.
In time, my husband and I decided to move our family back to Texas. We wanted to be nearer to his family and to raise our kids in a more rural area. I definitely had my expectations for what I wanted my kids to experience ~ I see now that I thought that God and I “owed” them a “perfect” upbringing. So… it was absolutely devastating to me when my husband decided to leave the marriage! I had never thought about that possibility! Even though our marriage had been hard, it still caught me completely off guard….
Scripture became my lifeline in those years… it was like every promise I found in the Word was for me. I lived in the Psalms. One verse that has always been the cry of my heart in difficulties is Psalm 27: 13, 14 “I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the Lord.” I have little dates in my Bible beside that verse: one from the day that I gave Hannah back to her mom, June 24, 1994 and the other on the day that Eric left, June 21, 2002. Scriptures like that become prayers that help me express to God my desire to trust Him in the midst of suffering… to trust that He is good and in control and is accomplishing what He desires, even when I don’t understand and am tempted to despair. Romans 8:28 once again became an anchor for me. I believed that God WOULD work all these things for good… and the “good” might be I WOULD be conformed to the image of his Son!
Well… it didn’t necessarily get easier over those two years of being alone. I knew God wanted me to stand for my marriage and to pray for my husband’s repentance…. So that’s what I did. I prayed and believed and waited on God to fix him. (sheepish smile) Then, right in the middle of our separation… my heart condition grew worse and the doctors recommended that we operate. I was shocked! It had been 17 years since my original illness and I just couldn’t imagine the timing of this! Why now?? Now, I was not only going to have to deal with my marriage problems, and home-schooling my kids (not to mention living alone in this “fixer-upper” house we’d purchased in the country), but now I would have to face this extremely scary surgery. I’d always looked at “open heart surgery” as the LAST thing I ever wanted to go through. I couldn’t really even imagine surviving it! And, obviously, right “now” did not seem like a good time! I will spare you the details, even though I love to tell the story, but you know that the Lord took me through even that, and His grace and power were sufficient! Yes, it was very hard and it seemed impossible on some days to even get out of bed… but as God cared for me and my children I continued to grow in fearlessness and in trust. My hope was in God’s goodness and love for me. I was learning to say, like Paul, “I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me!”
You know, ultimately my marriage ended in divorce. And that was not the outcome that I expected in the beginning. But God has shown me; among other things that the “good” that I often look for is not what He necessarily plans to “give’ me. Yes, there have been good gifts which have matched the deepest desires of my heart~ because He loves me and loves giving me good gifts! But most of the time, the good that comes from the messes of my life is my sanctification~ a growth towards Christ-likeness~ a deeper understanding of the faithfulness of God~ a renewed commitment to rest in the work He is doing in and around me. And then, ultimately, He’s glorified as He carries me through and works His will. You know, God DID bring me a new husband, another awesome gift, who is above and beyond what I had hoped for. God knew my heart and my need and provided exactly that! James is an awesome gift to me. But God has also answered my prayers and has brought my ex-husband to a place of repentance today. Our relationship is a good one as we parent our kids together from separate marriages. I am so thankful for that. God gets the glory!!
This scripture was on James' and my wedding bulletin:
Ephesians 3: 20-21…. “Now to Him who is able to do exceeding abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.”
Let me say that I recognize that this is just “my” story… each one of us here faces our own struggles. There are women here facing hugely difficult trials: cancer and other on-going health issues, the death of a spouse, parent or child, unequally yoked marriages, anxiety and depression… or just the day in and day out trials of bringing up our children in a godless world or of going off to school every day in a place where God’s ways are condemned. Life is hard and it’s often very disappointing.
What I’m saying is that your growth in learning to trust God’s power and control over your lives will look differently from mine. And I know that it’s scary sometimes to think of how God might want to teach you these truths. We don’t want to relinquish our hold on the things that are dearest to us! We feel like if we let go and say we will trust Him that He will somehow snatch it up and make it His! But we fail to remember that there is nothing outside the realm of His control. It’s all His anyway.
My salvation was His doing… my growth in Christ is His doing. All the events of my life and of everything I see and know to be true are His doing. He’s had control from the beginning. He has “hedged me in” like Ps 139 says. I haven’t done anything that has shocked or surprised Him. That kind of power and knowledge is too wonderful for me… I cannot attain to it, says David again in Psalm 139. But as God’s children we can rest in the fact that no matter what He asks us to face He WILL give us the power and grace to walk through it. He WILL walk beside us and he says “I will NEVER leave you nor will I ever forsake you”… (Heb 13:5)
Some answers to our questions regarding the trials we face are not to be heard or seen in this life. Some of the deepest desires of our hearts will go unmet. We aren’t healed from that disease. We remain single when we want to be married. That child still rebels. Our parents don’t get back together. And that’s all hard!! But our hope can still rest in the absolute promises of God that He is good and that His ways and His thoughts are higher and better than ours. His knowledge of us is perfect and loving. And ultimately, He will be glorified in all of it as we surrender to Him!! Those truths are amazing!
Let me leave you with this prayer from Hebrews 13: 20, 21
“Now the God peace, who brought up from the dead the great Shepherd of the sheep through the blood of the eternal covenant, even Jesus our Lord, equip you in every good thing to do His will, working in us that which is pleasing in His sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be the glory forever and ever. Amen”
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